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DEVILED CRABS 

A VAUDEVILLE ACT 



BY 

T. WANAMAKER BALANCE 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



DEVILED CRABS 



CHARACTERS. 

Madame A Grand Opera Singer 

Pete A Deviled Crab Vender 



Place — In the Opry House. 



Scene — Right on the Stage. 



Time of Playing — About Fifteen Minutes. 



TYPES AND COSTUMES. 

Madame — A dashing soubrette, gay and attractive ; quick 
and lively in speech and manner. She may wear a fancy 
stage costume, or an evening gown. 

Pete — Blackface. Dull and slow-witted. Always try- 
ing to avoid trouble, but gradually becoming more self-con- 
fident. He is of the "dumbbell" type. The two parts should 
be played in thorough contrast to be most effective. He 
carries a big covered basket. 

The piece should be played slowly enough to bring out 
the comedy value, and should not be rushed. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Up stage means away from footlights; dozvn stage, near 
footlights. In the use of right and left, the actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY T. WANAMAKER BALANCE. 
2 

©CI.D til 732 
AUG 21 '22 TMP92-008596 



DEVILED GRABS 



Scene: No scenery whatever is required, so this act 
may be presented in front of whatever drop curtain is avail- 
able, or on a bare platform if necessary. 

At rise, orchestra plays introduction to a concert song, 
Madame enters and begins singing. Meanwhile Pete has 
entered from the back of the auditorium with his basket, 
and a moment after she begins to sing, he starts calling 
out, "Deviled crabs, deviled crabs/' She stops singing and 
calls to him several times to attract his attention. When he 
has proceeded doum the center aisle about half way to the 
stage he hears her, and realizes what he is doing. 

Madame (angrily). Say, what do you mean by — 

Pete. Ma'am ? 

Madame. I say, what do you — 

Pete (awkwardly). Yassum. 

Madame. Wait ! Listen to what I have to say. What 
do you — 

Pete (turning). Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Starts 
for door.) 

Madame (emphatically). No, you are not going. Don't 
you know that I — 

Pete (still on his way out). Ma'am? 

Madame. If you don't listen to what I have to say I 
shall call a cop and have you arrested. 

Pete (still retreating). Yassum. 

Madame. Come back here. 

Pete (having worked his way nearly to the back of the 
auditorium, stops and turns). No, ma'am! You don't 
want to buy no deviled crabs. 

Madame. No, I don't want to buy any deviled crabs. 
But you had better come here, as I said. 

Pete (starts shuffling toward stage). Yassum, 

3 



4 DEVILED CRABS 

Madame. What do you mean by interrupting me in my 
song ? 

Pete. Ma'am ? 

Madame. I want to know if you have any explanation? 

Pete. No, ma'am. Only deviled crabs. 

Madame. Do you know what you'd better do'? 

Pete. Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Starts to re- 
treat.) 

Madame. Answer my question! (He stops.) What do 
you mean by interrupting my song? 

Pete. Well, Missie, I didn't aim fo' to disrupt yo* song. 
I was walking along outside, mindin' my own business, 
and I come to de do' of dis the-aytre, and I kind o' leaned 
against de do,' and de do' opened up, and — and hyah I is ! 

Madame. Yes, here you is, all right. But what are you 
going to do about it? 

Pete. I reckon I didn't hurt de do' much. 

Madame. What are you talking about? 

Pete (confused). I — I reckon I betteh be goin' home. 
(Starts to go.) 

Madame. Come back here! (He returns.) I say, what 
are you talking about? 

Pete. Ma'am? Er — yassum! I was talkin' about de 
same thing dat yo' was talkin' about. 

Madame. What was that? 

Pete. Disruptin'. 

Madame. You prevented my singing my song. 

Pete. You prevented me sellin' my deviled crabs. 

Madame. None of your impudence, you black rascal ! 

Pete. Yassum. 

Madame. That will do. 

Pete. Yassum. 

Madame. Shut your mouth, 

Pete. Yas — (Checks himself and claps his hand over 
his mouth.) 

Madame. Now, answer my original question. What 
did you mean by interrupting my performance? (Pete 
keeps his hand over his mouth.) Answer me! 



DEVILED CRABS 5 

Pete. Missie, fo' de land's sake how kin I answer you 
wid my mouth shut? 

Madame. The more I talk to you, the angrier I get. 
Why did you come in here selling deviled crabs? 

Pete. I didn't sell no deviled crabs here. 

Madame. You didn't? 

Pete. No, ma'am. I jes' tried to sell 'em. 

Madame. Didn't you see I was trying to sing my song? 

Pete. Didn't you see I was tryin' to sell my deviled 
crabs ? 

Madame. You are impossible! 

Pete. Yassum. — Ma'am? 

Madame. I said, you are impossible. 

Pete. Don't know about dat. But I sure is uncomfort- 
able. 

Madame. Well, do you regret your discourtesy? 

Pete. Yassum. 

Madame. Do you apologize? 

Pete. Yassum. 

Madame. Are you ever going to do such a thing again? 

Pete (absent-mindedly). Yassum. 

Madame. What? 

Pete. I mean, no ma'am. 

Madame. Do you know what you are talking about? 

Pete. No, ma'am — I mean, yassum. 

Madame. What are you talking about? 

Pete. Deviled crabs. 

Madame. Don't say "deviled crabs" again. 

Pete. Yassum. I mean, no ma'am. (Starts to go.) 
Reckon I betteh be goin' home. 

Madame. Don't go yet. How would you like to have 
a job? 

Pete (brightening up). Yassum. I's lookin' fo' a job, 
I is. 

Madame. How about vaudeville? 

Pete. How about who? 

Madame. I said, how about vaudeville? 



6 DEVILED CRABS 

Pete. Don't keer nothin' about Bill. I's jest lookin' fo' 
a job fo' myself. 

Madame. You don't* understand. Come up here where I 
can talk to you. 

Pete (timidly). I don't want to. 

Madame. You do as I say, or I'll have you arrested for 
breaking up my act. 

Pete (climbing up on to stage very awkwardly). I 
wish't I was out o' here wid my deviled crabs. 

Madame. Now answer my question. How about vaude- 
ville? 

Pete (not understanding). Yassum. I mean — well, we 
don't never have them things out our way. Some likes 'em 
stewed, an' some likes 'em fried, and then again some likes 
'em boiled. I reckon dey might make pretty good hash. 

Madame. Do you know what you are talking about? 

Pete. No, ma'am. Do you? 

Madame. Have you ever stood up before a large crowd 
before? 

Pete. Yassum. Oncet. 

Madame. Well, what did you say? 

Pete. What did- 1 say when I stood up befo' a large 
crowd ? 

Madame. That's it. What did. you say? 

Pete (setting his basket down carefully). I said, "If 
you'll let me off dis time, I'll neveh steal anoder chicken 
as long as I live." 

Madame. You say you want a job? 

Pete. Yassum. What is I got to do ? 

Madame. Nothing. I do all the work. I am a hypno- 
tist. 

Pete (pleasantly). Yassum. (Then, as the meaning 
dawns on him :) I — I reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Picks 
up basket and starts to get down off stage.) 

Madame. Wait a minute, you. 

Pete (continuing to go). Good-by, lady; good-by. 

Madame. Don't you want a job? 



DEVILED CRABS 7 

Pete (turning). I jes' suddenly remembered dat I has 
some deviled crabs dat remains to be merchandized. 

Madame. You come right back here. (Pete returns, 
fearfully.) Stand up here in front of me. (He comes close 
to her, looking around in scared fashion.) Look me in 
the eye. (He looks at her, and his knees tremble violent- 
ly.) Is there anything wrong with you? 

Pete. Y — Y — Yassum ! 

Madame, (looking at his knees trembling). Yes, I be- 
lieve there is. 

Pete. "Believe" it? Lady, I knows it! 

Madame. What do you think the trouble is? 

Pete. I ain't had time to think yet. 

Madame. Just keep cool. That's all ; keep cool. 

Pete. Keep cool? Can't you see me a-shiverin'? 

Madame. Don't you want to> work for me? 

Pete. Lady, I done lost all my cravin' fo' employment. 
(Picks up basket.) 

Madame. Not for ten dollars a week? 

Pete (hesitating). How much? 

Madame. Ten dollars a week. 

Pete. Not fo' one cent less dan a dollar a day. 

Madame (laughing). All right, then; a dollar a day. 
(Pete puts basket dozvn.) Now come back here. (He 
returns to her.) Look me in the eye. 

Pete. Yassum. Which eye? 

Madame. Oh, either eye. (She pronounces it "eye- 
ther!') 

Pete. Ma'am? 

Madame. Either eye ; it's immaterial. 

Pete. Lady, I don't only speak two languages ; United 
States and — (mention nearby town). 

Madame. Look at me! (They look at each other intent- 
ly and again his knees wobble.) Be quiet! 

Pete (scared). I ain't said a word. 

Madame. It won't hurt you. 

Pete. I know it won't. I ain't goin' to give it a chance. 



8 DEVILED CRABS 

Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Picks up basket and 
starts to go.) 

Madame (laughing). Well, come back. I won't hyp- 
notize you unless you want me to. 

Pete. If you don't hippopotamus me I don't git my 
dollar a day? 

Madame. Of course you don't. 

Pete (facing her bravely). I needs dat dollar. Lady, 
do yo' worst. 

Madame. All right. Stand there. (She places him and 
he stands stiffly.) Do you like jokes? 

Pete. Fo' a dollar a day I likes anything. 

Madame. I must first tell you a joke to get your mind 
in a state of chaos. Did you ever hear the story of the 
man who carried a gallon of molasses in a paper bag? 

Pete. No, ma'am. 

Madame. That's funny. 

Pete. How come it's funny? 

Madame. It leaked out long ago. (Pete remains per- 
fectly straight faced.) I say, it leaked out long ago. 

Pete. Yassum. Now does I git my dollar? 

Madame. I don't think you are a good subject for hyp- 
notism. Let me see. (Puts hand to brow, in attitude of 
deep thought.) I wonder if I haven't some other job for 
you. Aha, I have it! How would you like to travel with 
an animal show? 

Pete. Yassum. I jest loves animiles. Where is dey? 

Madame (pointing off stage right). Right back here 
behind the curtain. All you have to do is go in the cage 
twice a day. 

Pete (uncertainly). Yassum. (Looks off right.) 

(A great roar and crashing noise is suddenly heard from 
off right.) 

Madame (screams). Oh! My pet lion has broken out 
of his cage ! Come and help me catch him ! ( Grabs Pete 
and starts to drag him toward right.) 

Pete (resisting). Lady, what did you say? 



DEVILED CRABS • 9 

Madame. The lion has broken loose! Help me catch 
him ! 

Pete (still pulling away). Reckon I betteh be goin' 
home. 

Madame. You just told me you loved animals. 

Pete. Not dem kind of animals. 

(All through this dialogue she is trying to drag him to 
right entrance white he resists, and the roars continue.) 

Madame. What kind of animals? 

Pete (breaking loose from her grasp and picking up 
the basket). Deviled crabs! (Runs off left.) 

(Madame exits hurriedly, right,) 
CURTAIN. 



Denison's Vaudeville Monologues 

Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid 

HEY, RUBE! — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 
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Time, about 15 minutes. A typical vaudeville act, which is fat 
With funny lines and rich, rare hits. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago 



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*'A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." 
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T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago 



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- N. MANCHESTER, 
INDIANA 



